im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
