The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
