low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
