for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
