Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
