Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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