this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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