I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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