Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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