Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
