girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
