it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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