So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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