I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
