Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
