I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
