My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
