sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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