I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
