So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
