I'm so fucking centered right now
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
