3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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