We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I think I just sharted jello shots
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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