In America we eat man semen.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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