I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
