He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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