Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
