meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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