dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
