and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
