I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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