Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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