Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
