Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Girls should come with a carfax report
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
