Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
