we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
