dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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