I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
