how can u be prego again
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
