If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
