She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
