im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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