Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
