I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
