I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
