my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
