Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Randomize
