The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
