I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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