Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
