I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
