when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
